Page 11 - NBY News February 2019

WIDOWHOOD in AMERICA for WIDOW or WIDOWER

Widowhood in America: Surviving Forms of Loss Six Tips for Widows
Emotionally People who haven’t lost a spouse may Author and speaker Carole Brody Fleet
never understand the depth or duration of talks about widowhood from experience.
Every widow wakes one morning, perhaps the loss. They may try to cheer up the She often receives complaints from other
after years of pure and unwavering grieving, widow, or make it better. That’s bereaved spouses along the lines of these
to realize she slept a good night’s sleep, and completely normal, but widows say there actual quotes:
will be able to eat breakfast, and doesn’t hear are aspects to their loss they wish others “Since my husband died, all of our
her husband’s ghost all the time, but only could understand. friends have forgotten him and
some of the time. Her grief is replaced with a Socializing becomes more difficult. disappeared.”
useful sadness. Every parent who loses a child Going out to dinner, taking a vacation and “I haven’t changed, but everyone
finds a way to laugh again. The timbre begins seeing a movie were all things they used around me is treating me differently. And
to fade. The edge dulls. The hurt lessens. to do with their spouse. Some will adapt to that doesn’t count the people who just left
Every love is carved from loss. Mine was. doing these things on their own, but it’s my life without a word.”
Yours is. Your great-great-great- not the same. Friends may invite a widow “I guess I’m not allowed to talk about
grandchildren’s will be. But we learn to live to a party, thinking the big group will be my wife anymore. No one else wants to, socializing, pick up the phone and
in that love. —Jonathan Safran Foer inviting, but if it’s mostly couples, the that’s for sure. But she’s still in my heart let others know.
awkward feeling is still there. Worse yet, and no one understands that.” 4. Fear not. Many people
Few things in life are more stressful the widow may find herself shut out of Fleet acknowledges that no one will will be afraid to talk about your
than the loss of a spouse. Becoming a social situations by friends who worry feel the loss in the same way as the loss or fear upsetting you, just
widow or widower can lead to they will feel out of place. bereaved spouse, and when you need to talk about it
depression and chronic stress that The best social network can’t replace a other people are often most. You may need to put them
shortens lifespans. Loneliness can be partner with whom you shared an equal uncomfortable with at ease. If you’re ready to talk
particularly strong in bereaved seniors, interest in the outcome of each other’s loss and won’t know about your spouse, bring their
activating depressive symptoms, lives. Friends will be interested in a what to do. Some may name into the conversation. Tell
according to a recent study. This widow’s grandchildren, health and many even choose to leave a funny story. People will take
downward spiral can be hard to stop. aspects of her life, but they can’t share the the life of the widow, their cue from you.
Loneliness and depression in seniors weight of her concerns like a spouse. They for some of the same 5. Embrace who you have
who have lost a spouse can lead to major simply don’t have the same investment. reasons newly become. The experience of
health risks, including suicide. Risky Every part of a widow’s day is changed divorced people can widowhood changes you forever.
behavior such as smoking, drug or from what it was, and the nighttime find themselves alone. While the circumstances are
alcohol abuse, failure to care for their- routine may be particularly missed. Some people will feel tragic, you’ve grown through it
self or becoming inactive may increase. Household chores, making plans, sharing uncomfortable around to find depths of strength and
The risk of dementia also rises. finances … all of these must be done alone. you now that you’re no longer part of a tenacity most people will never
How Professionals Can Help The weight of planning and organizing life couple. Others will criticize how you know. Take pride and comfort in
Mental health professionals need to alone can be nearly unbearable. Sleeping handle your new status. that knowledge.
realize that loneliness and depression alone can feel strange. “Even with the How in the world can a widow handle 6. Don’t simply reach out
related to bereavement can have lights out and my eyes closed, I can still these rejections with everything else she for help with your healing: Reach
negative health consequences. Social feel the emptiness of the bed,” said one has to deal with? Fleet offers a six-step up. Reach up for help, to those
support alone is often not enough to do recent widow. Another said that going to process. who have gone before you; they
the trick. Behavioral therapy can usually bed without kissing her partner good- 1. Learn to let go. If people are the people who will be only
do more to curb negative thinking and night felt like “leaving a period off a you thought of as friends are not too happy to listen to your
help spouses cope. sentence.” being supportive now, let go. If stories, your challenges and your
Not everyone needs intervention. they are not going to be part of fears. Reach up to those who will
There are many differences in individual A partner filled many roles. Losing your healing process, they don’t celebrate your triumphs, who will
loss, such as whether it was sudden or “just” one person who is close to you is get the privilege of being a part give you ideas and suggestions
occurred over many years. However, hard enough, but a spouse was many of your life. for a peaceful journey. Reach up
professionals may be able to predict the things to his widow. Their death can feel 2. Respect the different to meet some of the greatest new
surviving spouse’s response based on the like more than a single loss. The widow no loss perspectives. Your true friends you will ever know. They
relationship the spouses had. Research longer has a lover, confidant, business friends and family will always be are each waiting to embrace you
shows that a widow who was highly partner, travel companion, best friend or there for you, but they’ll be able with open hearts.
dependent on her spouse is more likely date. to move on with their lives a lot Resources for Widowers:
to develop problems with anxiety after Why should someone grieving their sooner than you. You can’t 1. A Widows World, inspiring and
that person’s death. Strong closeness spouse categorize what they no longer reasonably expect them to grieve empowering through experience.
during a marriage often leads to greater have? One widow looked at all the reasons as long as you do, or in the same 2. Carole Brody Fleet books.
loneliness for the surviving spouse. she was struggling and the many ways she way. 3. Griefnet.
The depressive symptoms linked to missed her husband and had an epiphany. 3. Get proactive. People 4. Hope for Widows Foundation.
grief can be misdiagnosed as severe Underneath the grief, the sadness and the you love may want to give you 5. MeetUp Recreating Joy.
depression. Anti-depressant medication yearning for what they had shared was the space and time to begin healing. 6. National Widowers Association.
may work for the initial distress, but it realization of the blessings their time They may not want to “bother” 7. Soaring Spirits.
may be a less effective solution than together had made. you with phone calls and visits. If 8. The Mighty Widow.
counseling and therapy for coping long- you’re ready for quiet 9. The Sisterhood of Widows.
term with grief.

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